April 14, 2011

words matter- the call

Words Matter

He called to tell us he resigned his position at his company and invested in a new business of his own. Our son-in-law had only been married  to our daughter briefly about 2 1/2 years before she died in the accident with her brother.I must admit in all fairness there wasn't time to fully bond with him the way I would have liked to, these things take time and I'm afraid we never had that.

My husband and I drove up to the city to see what he had done with his life in the short time since her death. He showed us around his new restaurant, the one he purchased with her insurance. I studied his face thinking to myself this has got to be bitter- sweet for him. But regrettably all I saw was the sweet behind that grin and no bitter at all. I then waited for him to say her name, to mention how he wished she were by his side, but he never once mentioned her; it was if she'd never existed.

His eyes made a scan of his new business before he sat with us at a table. Then like a parent bragging about his favorite child, he declared to us proudly;"this has been my life's dream".  His words pierced my heart like a knife.

I am happy for the second month to participate in “Words Matter” a writing
 exercise on how the spoken word affects us. This concept was created by fellow blogger 
and grieving mother Dana over at Roscommon Acres.

Others will submit their writings as well, you can too if you’d like. I would encourage you to
 visit her blog by clicking her blog button which is located on 
the right column below my subject cloud to read them.


  1. Wow. So powerful. So bittersweet. I can't imagine what that must have felt like, and how heavy your heart must've felt...

  2. I remember sitting there shaking with so much emotion that day Claire. I'm afraid we suffered more than a few events like that one; then sadly the relationship ended.

    My sorrow comes not for us however it's for our daughter.

    She would be terribly sad, and my heart is heavy knowing that.

  3. Jen, I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I would understand awkwardness on his part and perhaps even silence. I don't know. There are just so many unexpecteds in this whole grieving thing, you just don't know how to react to anything, or what to expect in any given situation.

  4. Thanks Dana,

    The purpose in writing that piece was to share a moment of my grief as I felt it.

    I've asked myself a hundred times why at the time I couldn't be happy that he was happy with his new business.

    I guess in my mind as long as he was experiencing grief/sadness then she had value meant something to him.

    And that day I was met by a man experiencing happiness and of course was unprepared emotionally that he was beginning moving on process.

  5. I do hurt for you Jen.

    I should say that my other children do not live their grief as my wife and I live ours. I am sure that this is similar for your son in law.
    I explained to my wife that our children look at life to be lived to the fullest and a future. You and I look at the future as empty (at least partially) because of the hole in our hearts that can not be patched. We can not replace our lost ones. A marriage is a different type of love, just like being a sister and brother is different than being a parent.

    I was hurt and so was my wife that my children did not feel the pain we were feeling. They could not because it was a different kind of love. This was hard for us to get our hearts around.

    Now today, I thank God that they did and do not have the same pain and grief that Lori and I do. I would not wish it upon anyone. I thnk you are the same. It was selfish of me to think that maybe my pain would be less if their's was more.

    Also remember that you and I know many married couples who have lost a spouse and later re-married. Maybe this is your son inlaws way of re-marrying with out finding a new wife. You do not know, of course I do not either... but we can both pray.
    I hope this helps some.

    Jim Dorchak

  6. Oh how right you are Jim.

    And I remember how gently my therapist handled this with me. He asked me,"how long do you think would be reasonable for him before he should move on"?

    And then of course I could see I was expecting him to feel what I had felt,how possibly could he? It took time to see past my pain to see that it wasn't up to me to decide or to judge.

    Thanks for your words Jim, I know you understand.

  7. Jen

    Don't worry I have your back door.

    Jim Dorchak


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