We'd bring them fresh tomatoes one month and maybe the next they'd drop by to say hello or to check to see if their cats were getting along with our cats. Other then the usual mailbox hello's and waving pulling out of the driveway that was the extent of our interactions.This Christmastime we were surprised when they asked to borrow money, not something we felt comfortable doing so we told them no. Then a few months back there were a few occasions when she'd knock very early in the morning ask for a ride to work saying their car was broke down when it was brand new, strange, but Bill gladly obliged.
We had decided long before that there was just something off about them. Did you ever just get a feeling? Nothing tangible just a nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right.
This past holiday weekend my house was full with family, eating, the kids were playing and the adults were enjoying a cold beverage. The weather didn't cooperate so we were indoors, music playing, voices raised in family banter.
And the neighbor knocked. And now I finally know what the "it" was that I always sensed. She was coming here because he had hit her and pushed her around. My husband confronted him and he denied it, not surprised! I'm not sure if she wanted the police involved but clearly she was afraid enough to flee to my house.Without missing a beat Bill called 911. Believe me when I tell you Bill didn't ask her if she wanted him to call he just did.
He'd been on enough domestic calls when he was a cop to know they were needed. Sad thing was we couldn't physically keep her here and she took a walk down the block to clear her head. Shortly thereafter the deputy arrived but we didn't go over or interject ourselves in that part of the situation. I'll be curious to see the arrest list in the paper next week to see if he's in there.
I know this relationship is one of many many years. That fact doesn't mean I'm not gonna try to say something or do something. I also know a place she can go where he can't get to her where there's people trained to help her. My friends daughter Mary works in a local battered woman shelter, it's safe and there's counseling available. I'm going to bring all the information and give it to her at work. She needs to know there's help available for her. I'm sure she's feeling pretty alone and isolated right now.
I'm also not naive and I realize she's gotta want help. Lets all pray she does.
Sad thing, isn't it?
That is so sad. And it's everywhere. And a sad, sad cycle.
ReplyDeleteWhat great people you are. I wish we were neighbors!
I do too! I'm afraid we've never had much luck with the people in that house. The people who lived there before had a dog that almost killed my cat. The county ended up having to put the dog to sleep.
DeleteAgreed, Very sad. I'm glad Bill called 911 and it was very appropriate for you to stay out of it when the cops arrived. And wonderful that you can give her information. Thing is, you know and I know, that long established patterns are in place for a reason and are not easy to change. CAN change but takes commitment. Good for you to be supportive!
ReplyDeleteNow lets see how open she is to using it. Maybe I'll ask Mary if she's open to the idea of coming with me to give it to her!
DeleteI wish your intuition had been wrong about something being "off," but the truth it, our gut is usually right. Hopefully, this woman will decide to take this as her chance to get out.
ReplyDeleteI'll furnish her with the information and pray for the best.
DeleteThat's so sad, but sadly common in our society. Many women don't want to go to a "shelter." Last night I learned at the Police Academy that they now show women (and some men) pictures from the safe house that show that it's not what they're thinking in their heads--dorm living, etc
ReplyDeleteI hope she gets help.
I guess that makes sense, their lives are so chaotic and it's not like their filled with trust. Not with their loved ones knocking them around right?
DeleteThe good thing about this shelter by me is it's located within the gates of a military base and was owned and donated by the adjoining town that shares some of the land and structures on base. Abusers cannot get past the military guards at the gates. I can't imagine a more ideal or safe place to be for a vulnerable person.
Oh my, so sad. It's so hard to know about abusive relationships, b/c then you feel compelled to do something, but you can't usually have an impact. You and Bill are good neighbors for that woman to have, though. With his background, he will be wise. All we can do is pray for courage for the woman, for peace in that home.
ReplyDeletewhew, over 20 years ago I was your neighbor.... and of course, NEVER let on to anyone what was really going on behind closed doors. I would encourage you as much as is reasonably safe and responsible, to continue to find ways to reach out and encourage her. It's so hard to ask for help... and its so easy for the person trapped in the abuse to feel judged on top of everything else she's being subjected to. We can't make her leave the situation-- she has to reach that point herself, but whatever others can do to assure her that this is not her fault, she does not deserve this treatment and that there ARE places of resource available, could make all the difference in the world to her.
ReplyDeleteI hear people discussing "empowering relationships" a lot. The reality for many is very different. I do believe in the rippling effect of each good deed(like what you did)...but what a heartbreaking story.
ReplyDeleteYou have a good "sense", Jen! I've helped a friend because she asked and wanted it. In your situation, I believe providing her the information and the fact that you are reaching out is key. I hope she doesn't need your support in the future! I said a prayer for her. Domestic violence is heartbreaking and so sad!
ReplyDeleteAw, that's too bad. Glad y'all were there to help. Hopefully she will do what she needs to do.
ReplyDeleteIt is sad, and it must be hard to see. I hope she takes a look at the info you give her. No one should have to live like that. Sending prayers!
ReplyDeleteIt is sad Jennifer. And as a human being all we want to do is jump in and help but we need to measure what we do and how we do it. We gonna be cautiously proactive in our approach.
Deletewow---what a nightmare....I hope she is open to your help and gets out!!! What a cowardly man he is.
ReplyDeleteYes, she has to want to get help. But, if you offer her the information, at least she knows that someone is in her corner when she does.
ReplyDeleteI'll do my best.
DeleteHi Jen. It is so sad to hear these stories of battered women. It is a very difficult situation to be in because you feel trapped and controlled to the point that you know nothing else. I imagine women in these situations figure they did something wrong. Nice that you and Bill care enough to at least give her a direction to head towards if and when she has had enough.
ReplyDeleteThanks for dropping by this morning....it's always good to hear from you Jen.
That's awful. I hope she gets help so she can get away from him. Imho, abuse is never okay...no second chances.
ReplyDeleteJen,
ReplyDeleteI LOVE that your husband didn't ask her--that he just called. I lo000ve that.
I hope she gets the help she needs...because one thing I've realized in life is that men like that DO NOT CHANGE.
Xxx Keep us informed. Love.
She was hurt, betrayed, knocked around a bit.
DeleteTo my husband who was a cop it was a crime that needed to be reported. We'll see what we can do about pointing her in the right direction and getting her some help. Sadly we know that's up to her.
She's lucky that you actually have knowledge of a place she can go to for safety. It's interesting that you always sensed something wasn't quite right.
ReplyDeletevery sad.
ReplyDeleteI've learned to trust my feelings about people and situations, because those feelings are often right. I'll be praying with you for her. You're right, she has to WANT to make a change in spite of how difficult it will be - the alternative is worse.
ReplyDelete