it killed the cat

When we lived up in NY there was a girl who was friends with one of our daughters. She came with us everywhere; she truly was a part of our family. And the reverse was true our daughter was just as comfortable and welcome at her house and with her family. But our families eventually moved to different neighborhoods and the girls took to writing letters with each other about what ever teen girls do when they're teen girls. I should also say that we had a comfortable friendship with her parents they were nice people and I believe they thought the same of us.

The girls had been friends for seven or eight years and were fifteen when one day ....

The mom called me one in a rage telling me how I needed to discipline my child for being disrespectful towards her. I was taken back by her anger and I have to be honest like most I don't much like anyone telling me what to do especially when it comes to my children; but I took a deep breath and asked her what was going on.

She went on to tell me that my daughter called her a bitch in a letter she had written to her daughter.

"How do you know?" I asked.

As a parent we all want to believe the best of our children and I confess I'm no different. But my daughter had been corresponding with her daughter for months. I asked myself what possibly could  have been the reason for her calling this woman that I know she adored a bitch?  I wasn't naive teenagers are capable of pretty dumb things even cruel behavior and at the very least I wanted to understand why she did what she did.

"You saw this letter with your own two eyes?"

"I read the letter myself." she responded curtly.

Oh I thought to myself my daughter was gonna be puuuunished!

"May I ask how you came to read this letter?"

"No. I just read the letter; now will she be punished or not?"

"Can I infer from that answer that you didn't have permission to read this letter?"

The silence was deafening and long enough for me to put two and two together and figure out she read the letter during the act of  snooping curiosity!!

For my own piece of mind however I wanted to be clear of a few things.

"Were the girls doing something that pushed you to read the letters?" If there was I think you owe it to me to tell me. "Was it drinking, drugs, boys and sex, cheating in school, shoplifting something that you thought might put our daughters in danger that the letters might reveal?"

"My actions are not your concern or your business" she told me." "The only reason I'm calling is to insist you punish your daughter."

I have to mention dear readers I don't much care for snooping I prefer talking to my children and have them talk to me back. I do realize every parent has the right to their own parenting style her style was not my style. I find snooping to be incredibly distasteful and disrespectful. I thought it was sad and unfortunate that in order to find out what her daughter 'was up to' she had to snoop. But what really upset me was that she was reading my daughters letter in the process.

What I do know is we instilled in our children that our home and family is always a safe place and that they could be assured of their privacy. It is something that we consider sacred in our house- privacy. That being said my daughter messed up and I assured her I would talk to my daughter and she would be punished.  Our phone call was over and I had a sneaking suspicion that our friendship was too.

My daughter told me through torrents of tears that she was very ashamed that she called the mom a nosy bitch.  The missing piece of course was why. She said she was actually responding/agreeing with her friend calling her mother a bitch when she found her snooping thru the things in her room. Doesn't get my daughter off the hook she is fully responsible for her own actions but explains why what happened happened.

My kids are fairly sensitive kids and my daughter was more upset at our disappointment in her than in the one month punishment she received.  We also suggested that she call the girls mom to apologize and talk it over with her. A letter of apology wouldn't go over well for obvious reasons.

The next evening our daughter dialed the phone and the father answered,  my daughter said "hi may I please speak to your wife I'd like to apologize." He called my 15 year old daughter a fuckin bitch and hung up on her.

Big sigh...

We've always been blessed with good friends. We as individuals and as a family have always been able to navigate the ups and downs of our relationships with this one exception.

Sometimes situations just seem to take on a life of their own and there's nothing to do but let it go.

defend this family; do it for the children

Fred, Mark and their children

In my less than one year of blogging I have met some wonderful and interesting people. I must admit there are a few that I consider my favorites, people who touch me with their humor, their life stories, their compassion and their ability to love unconditionally. My friend Mark Himes is one of those people. Mark and his partner Fred have four wonderful children and I'm afraid their family is in danger of being broken apart. You can read all the details of this story on Marks blog Our Simple Lives and to a lesser extent in the letter I sent to The Secretary of Homeland Security on their behalf which I have posted below.

Dear Madam Secretary,

I am writing to you today to ask for your help. My name is Jennifer Forbes.  I'm American, I am a wife, I am a mother of two and step mother of three, and grandmother of four.

I am also the granddaughter of three immigrants who came to this country married and raised their families. They had a dream, a vision of a place where they could be free, free to work, free to worship, and free to associate. And they chose America because this is the land where differences are respected and diversity is celebrated.

In my own family my step-daughter who is white is married to a person of color, prior to the 1967 Supreme Court decision they would have been arrested here in The Commonwealth of Virginia for their union. My beautiful grandsons would have been considered little more than outcasts, but for those who dared to speak up when they saw injustice being done. 

And it is just such an injustice that has prompted me to write this letter to you today. I would like to appeal to you on behalf of my friend Mark Himes and his French born husband Fred Deloizy of Harrisburg Pennsylvania whose green card has recently expired and is in danger of being deported. Fred has resided in this country with legal status for the entirety of his 20+ year relationship and marriage to Mark; his love for his family is clear and there is no doubt that he is a loving spouse and parent.  Fred’s ties and relationship to this country are undisputed; the couple has four beautiful adopted children together; Jonathan, Claire, Jacob and Joshua like all children need their parents to be together. He loves this country and has shown a willingness to work and the fact that he will contribute to our society is beyond doubt because he has already.

It is my opinion that the Defense of Marriage Act is a failure as marriages do not need defining or defending, but families do.  Mark and Fred’s family does. We as a society cannot seriously protect a marriage that fails the children. Our children are the future of this country, they need both parent home and engaged in their lives. Married straight couples can sponsor their spouses but same sex marriages remain un-recognized because of this act. You MUST consider making an exception for this couple– for this family- for these CHILDREN. Do not uproot these children from the only life they’ve ever known, because that may happen. Don’t make Fred leave, please stop these types of deportations!

Fred & Mark

We as a country evolve, attitudes change and we need to change with them; and so must the policies and laws of this government so that they reflect the will of its people. And if there are times Madam Secretary when we find we are bound by laws that are unfair or unjust then we must apply them with common sense and mercy.

I urge you to keep this family together; please reissue a new green card for Fred Deloisy, his children deserve to have both their parents.

Friends, That concludes my letter to the secretary. I just wanted to add that I respect that your opinions may differ from mine about gay marriage or even on issues of immigration. But I ask you to please join me and write your own letter. Help save this family; if for nothing else do it for the children.          

                                                    With Thanks, Jen

Joshua, Johnathan Claire and Jacob
I hope I got the twins right!

Secretary Janet Napolitano

Department of Homeland Security

U.S. Department of Homeland Security

Washington, D.C. 20528

202-282-8000

PYHO -a blended families christmas dinner recipe - patience, love with a dash of chaos -

We have yet to decide what we're going to eat for dinner and it's yet to be decided whose going to be here for dinner on Christmas Day for that matter.

We actually don't have a traditional dinner that we eat every year and whose going to be here from year to year fluctuates. We usually just eat what ever we want when we want, things are pretty free and easy around here lately. As long as I can use my Christmas china I'm happy.

Sometimes the menu might be decided by how many people I'm cooking for. With a lot of people we might have turkey or ham, maybe even both. My grandchildren like that meal so if they're here and my daughter and son in law aren't working then that would usually be the menu. We've even had Italian one year, oh my goodness it was a feast! We stuffed our face with several different types of pasta, talk about carb heaven.

My daughter , her husband and my grandsons a Christmas past,
it was the Italian Christmas.

If my husband's ex comes to town and visits our daughter then that usually changes everything. Confusing right? She gave birth to her I raised her so we share that's why if you knew us you'd find us both calling her our daughter. Anyhoo... then we - Bill, Matthew, Mom and I might be munching on prime rib or lobster. Forget the pasta and pass me a bib and a shovel for this meal! My Mom loves lobster, so this is really a favorite meal for her. She won't even touch the beef, not a single bite.

Matthew (red)and his older brother Bill (grey) doing the Christmas dishes, oh yeah!

This year I don't think the ex is coming but I believe with their crazy schedules,(she works days ,he nights so  one parent's home with the kids) they've decided to stay home; maybe. This is one thing I've learned about blended families; everything is always fluid and emotions are usually pretty high around the holidays for the kids, even when they're adults. 

Things between the ex and us are fine and we're great friends. But the kids and her, well it's hard on all of them, her too, but circumstances were what they were. So that left many thing unsaid and undone. And as good a relationship as mine was with them growing up, its just not the same. Our other son Bill and our granddaughter is now living with his mother and trying to get his life in order. His adult life has been one poor choice after another. To be perfectly honest my relationship with him is rather strained because of it. Family relationships can be rather complicated; all our efforts long ago exhausted we'll have to see how things work out with this new situation.

But regardless of the ex and the kids and whose living where or working when we still have to decide what to eat. Seriously, despite all the Christmas bah humbug that seems to rear it's ugly head like, "you didn't raise me" every holiday and causes everyone to be freaks emotional, we really are an OK family who loves each other. 

In the mean time we're living on patience love with a dash of chaos! 

So what's cooking at your house, something yummy I trust? Do tell!

Sex-ed, Is that what they're calling it?

Pushing thru the milestones but not rushing thru them I entered my teen years bright eyed and without a clue of what was going on with boys. My discussions of sexuality with my Mom went as far as her handing me a bag with some sanitary napkins in them and we reviewed some booklets the school nurse gave us after the basic sex- ed offered in our local public school system.

 It wasn't until I was older, grown in fact that I realized just how innocent I really was and just how little I really knew; but was it enough?  I ask myself this as I ponder the facts laid out in the article I just read about the proposed sex-ed programs for NY city schools- the link is below.

I could only imagine in my mind now if a  form came home and my dear mother was asked to sign it giving permission for me as a teenage child to be exposed to sexual information such as, how to find a store to buy condoms, sexual positions, type of sex that don't include intercourse or subjects such as mutual masturbation.

Clearly things have changed for kids since I was a teen. The decisions  on what tell kids and who is telling them today must be daunting. I am so grateful that I am not raising my kids now. I can only imagine that we would be having open discussions with our children since there is no substitute for the love, guidance and wisdom of parents.

When I think back to what it was like "back then" I surly know  my mother would have had a heart attack if  she had know I was being exposed to such graphic information as a teen! But that was another time and things have changed dramatically since then. Clearly our children must be given some type of instruction about sex and sexually transmitted diseases. But I have to wonder; who really thinks making it more graphic makes it better or makes our children safer? I for one don't.

Parents certainly are the best judges of their children's needs and can best protect their families cultural and religious sensibilities. I admit that basic sex ed in schools has it's merits and always has, but when it borders on porn then it's gone to far.

New York City School's are currently implementing a sex ed program, read about it here at The Blaze. Just look at photograph with the article, the children's faces are priceless.

Did your experience as a child  help form what you did or plan to do with your kids when educating them about sex?