when life trumps blogging

I have over the course of the past month received  more than a few concerned emails and comments about where the heck I've been.
Thanks my friends I appreciate your concern.
I'm fine, really.
Just taking a break.
Lots going on.
Here's the skinny.


We still have a full house here. My step daughter and her family are due to move out within the next month or maybe a bit more. Everyone's working full time, and he's gotten all of his immigration/work stuff worked out. We're busy helping out picking up the slack with the kids, taking care of Mom who's doing great at 86 and getting in a trip now and then so I can fulfill my guardian obligations.

 Having kids in the house again, having homework time, dinnertime, bedtime keeps me so tired busy that I don't seem to be able to carve out a regular time out to attend to this blog. I can't imagine however not getting right back to it once we have the house back to ourselves. Any extra time I have quite frankly I've been putting into planting my vegetable gardens.

And then there's the other stuff, the not so good, and down right sad stuff.

My cat Cheetah, the cat from my "B" post on A-Z was hit by a car and died. Poor thing wandered out into the street and didn't stand a chance. And if you've ever wondered if cats mourn, they do. His brother Tarzan, sat a the front door for a week waiting for Cheetah to come home, when he didn't he then laid on the couch for two weeks barely eating.

I lost my Aunt Paula who was very dear to me in recently. We had a very special relationship starting back when I was a small girl and blossomed as I became an adult into one of love, friendship and mutual respect. I will miss more than I can say. I'm just so darn sad that she's gone.

Then as you know I am a legal guardian for a  lady (with intellectual disabilities) who is a dear family friend, lets call her B. B's Dad passed away 17 months ago and her mother entered into a rest home. Sadly, her mother, passed away last week. B knew her Mom was getting ready to "go to heaven" to be with her Dad and we did our best to prepare her for that.  When I told her her mother died  I asked her if she was sad, upset or mad. My thought was to try to encourage her to use her limited verbal skills to express her feelings. She looked at me and said, " I'm happy, they're together."  She's an amazing woman.

on my last day I want a party and a parade...

My grandmother was a a huge part of my life, I grew up at her knee and there isn't a week that passes that I don't think of her.I was also with her for her last days and hours on this earth; As old as she was {in her mid 90's } she was rather sharp for an old gal but as the end drew her moments of clarity became less and less frequent until the moment when God called her home. I hold on to those moments as special possibly because I didn't get those moments with my Dad who died in the hospital or my children who perished on the side of a highway in the middle of the night. They open up so many questions for me about life and death and faith...

Have you ever imagined what your last moments on this earth would be like? I imagine God willing I'd be old laying in bed surrounded by all the people who love me- who I love, or some such scenario. Maybe drifting off to a peaceful death in sleep....

When I last saw my grandmother just hours before she passed this is what she told me.  Let me just say this; I wish truly I could  do this story justice, that I could express more eloquently her words, to paint for you a picture of the glint in her eye and the delight in her voice as she told me what I'm going to tell you now. 

When I entered her room she was sitting in her hospital bed straight up, her eyes clear and not the least bit cloudy or confused as they had been. She looked me in the eye saying in a slow but steady voice, "what a lovely party last night"  then she raised her right hand and swept it from left to right across the room showing me what she believed to be party decorations from the previous night.

She looked so darn happy in fact I saw more emotion than I'd seen in a long long time on her face. "A party?"
I asked playing along not wanting to break her mood." Look at the decorations, aren't they beautiful?" she repeated.
" Daddy {my Popa} was here, and The Moores and The Lynches {both old family friends from Brooklyn and others to many to name} were here.
Contented with her memory of the night before she leaned  back in the bed and said,  "it was so much fun and there was music and dancing."

This gave me a few moments to think, my grandmother was telling me she attended a party the night before and every single person she mentioned that attended  was dead except her! My grandmother saw all those people in her bedroom in the house she lived in since 1960, in the same room my grandfather died in when I was six. Tears pricked the back of my eyes and I was overcome with emotion. At that moment I became overwhelmed with the feeling that my grandmother would not live much longer that that day would be her last day.

Then she calmly turns to me and said.
"Do you hear it?"
"Do you hear the parade?" "I so love a parade, don't you?" I nodded as I watched her as her face transform before my eyes and I saw joy.  She strained to here her parade drummers drumming and horns blowing and she smiled and tapped her hands to the beat of the music, her music.

I've seen my share of death. I cry, I mourn but I always always always try to celebrate the life of the person who died. No matter how painful I remember and then I celebrate their life. I remember.

Was there a parade? No
Did Popa and those old friends come to take her Home?
I'd love love love the thought that they may have.

She died three hours later.

I've heard accounts about a white light. On the day I die I'm thinking I want a party and a parade, just like Nana.

,

I am SO at that point in my life

Remember when you were a kid and you could sleep till noon? I remember days when my Mom would come into my bedroom and pull up the blinds to try to lure me out of bed using the sunlight. Later when that tactic failed to rouse me from the comfort of my bed she'd pull off my covers; that always worked!

Then as a young adult and old enough to par-tee I would be out all night, sleep for a few hours and then go to work. Oh, those were the days. I don't remember feeling all that tired after those nights.The only down side I can remember was having a hangover to two. And if I didn't go out, I could sleep forever- the advantages of youth right?

Oh, but the kids came and I was tired all the time, I would call it.... perpetual exhaustion. Five kids does that to a person. Mix that with a husband who worked shifts around the clock and you can bet as soon as I put the kids down, my head hit the pillow. Getting up and down all night for feeding and diapers, hugs and illness, nightmares, monsters, peeing and boo boo's.....did I forget anything?As the kids grew and then my husband retired, I finally started to sleep. My husband whose a morning person started to let me sleep in and believe me it was heaven. Eight blissful hours of sleep for days on end. I must admit I really got spoiled because of the whole morning person thing. I must admit I might have taken advantage of that fact just a teensy bit- well more then just a teensy bit!

somebody's getting sleep in
my bed!

Now I'm fifty-two and I cannot remember the last time I slept a complete night. Ugh! This is driving me crazy. It's been said it happens to women my age that we either have trouble falling asleep of difficulty staying asleep. I can seriously vouch for that! I believe on a good night I get four hours without disturbance! Then for the rest of the night I toss and turn and toss some more; I can tell you it's just terrible. I have cousins that take Ambien, but I hate to go there. Sleeping pills worry me, addiction worries the heck out of me.

Maybe it's just the stubborn Irish woman in me hoping that one of these days this problem will just settle down and I'll start to sleep again. Hubris of the not young and very tired!

Can you relate to any of this? Or am I just a so sleep deprived that I actually think I'm the only one?

Misery loves company ya know! So tell me what's going on in your bedroom, but keep it G rated.

PYHO -a blended families christmas dinner recipe - patience, love with a dash of chaos -

We have yet to decide what we're going to eat for dinner and it's yet to be decided whose going to be here for dinner on Christmas Day for that matter.

We actually don't have a traditional dinner that we eat every year and whose going to be here from year to year fluctuates. We usually just eat what ever we want when we want, things are pretty free and easy around here lately. As long as I can use my Christmas china I'm happy.

Sometimes the menu might be decided by how many people I'm cooking for. With a lot of people we might have turkey or ham, maybe even both. My grandchildren like that meal so if they're here and my daughter and son in law aren't working then that would usually be the menu. We've even had Italian one year, oh my goodness it was a feast! We stuffed our face with several different types of pasta, talk about carb heaven.

My daughter , her husband and my grandsons a Christmas past,
it was the Italian Christmas.

If my husband's ex comes to town and visits our daughter then that usually changes everything. Confusing right? She gave birth to her I raised her so we share that's why if you knew us you'd find us both calling her our daughter. Anyhoo... then we - Bill, Matthew, Mom and I might be munching on prime rib or lobster. Forget the pasta and pass me a bib and a shovel for this meal! My Mom loves lobster, so this is really a favorite meal for her. She won't even touch the beef, not a single bite.

Matthew (red)and his older brother Bill (grey) doing the Christmas dishes, oh yeah!

This year I don't think the ex is coming but I believe with their crazy schedules,(she works days ,he nights so  one parent's home with the kids) they've decided to stay home; maybe. This is one thing I've learned about blended families; everything is always fluid and emotions are usually pretty high around the holidays for the kids, even when they're adults. 

Things between the ex and us are fine and we're great friends. But the kids and her, well it's hard on all of them, her too, but circumstances were what they were. So that left many thing unsaid and undone. And as good a relationship as mine was with them growing up, its just not the same. Our other son Bill and our granddaughter is now living with his mother and trying to get his life in order. His adult life has been one poor choice after another. To be perfectly honest my relationship with him is rather strained because of it. Family relationships can be rather complicated; all our efforts long ago exhausted we'll have to see how things work out with this new situation.

But regardless of the ex and the kids and whose living where or working when we still have to decide what to eat. Seriously, despite all the Christmas bah humbug that seems to rear it's ugly head like, "you didn't raise me" every holiday and causes everyone to be freaks emotional, we really are an OK family who loves each other. 

In the mean time we're living on patience love with a dash of chaos! 

So what's cooking at your house, something yummy I trust? Do tell!

there's frost on my pumpkin

I can hardly believe that November is upon us. How is it that time has flown by so fast? 

 With the change of the seasons comes so many glorious things.
There was a lovely frost across our land this morning, it glistened in the morning sun like the ocean.

 Why don't you take a minute to breathe in the cool fall air, chat with your neighbor over the fence when your raking your leaves? Heck rake you pile and then jump in them, go wild for a change. Cuddle up with someone you love in front of your fireplace on a chilly day, maybe with a glass of wine or some cocoa.

Think of your favorite knit and wool sweaters your boots, your comfy robe and slippers and your most favorite comforter, don't they always seem so much better this time of year? Kinda like old friends.

Bake a pie out of that pumpkin that's sitting on your porch, believe me it isn't that hard. I've even done it! Put on a pot of soup or stew, bake a loaf of bread, the aroma in the house....it can't be beat.

Enjoy the falling leaves or maybe chop some fire wood.

When was the last time you were apple picking or went on a hay ride?  Have you visited a pumpkin farm recently? Did you go trick or treating yesterday with your kiddies? I didn't get one single trick or treater at my house due to our rural location- boo hoo!

Enjoy your fall my friends, because before you know it, it will be winter!

the life I never planned

I never planned this life, I planned another one. BUT I have accepted the life I have as the one I was destined to have. Was it easy? Of course not! 

But in doing so I truly have been left with the gift and that gift is gratitude. Gratitude for every moment however short that God put my children on this earth and I treasure each and every one of those moments with my heart and soul. I am blessed with the best family and forever friends. They fill my life will love and inspire me to be the best person I can be. Some days are better than others, and I am reminded how flawed a person I am on those bad days!

I could easily feel sorry for myself but despite my circumstances I will never feel the victim, it's all about attitude so I try to keep a good one.

I'd like to think that maybe now I'm a nicer person, a bit more patient, rather more generous then before. My heart if open to forgiveness and I love deeper and am more respectful of others than before.  

Just maybe through my experience of loss I've gained a bit of perspective. That I appreciate what I have just a teensy bit more than before because I've lost so very much....

Do you deal with your life with a glass half full or a half empty attitude? 

We all face illness, death of our loved ones, job loss, our kids, loneliness and isolation, marital or relationship and financial stresses. 

I've kept a personal journal, done therapy, relied on my friends and family, blogged, prayed, screamed, walked on the beach, used sleep techniques when i wasn't sleeping and then prayed some more.

How do you do it? How do you deal with your life's challenges?

breathing in freedom

This week we asked you to write a prompt inspired by this sentence:


The first time I ________-ed after _________-ing.

It was in a different part of town, the east end on the bay side. I had always lived in the west end on the beach side. But it was perfect for me, met all my needs; the downstairs apartment of a private house. A small bedroom, living space, kitchen and bathroom. 


I was both afraid and excited as my parents toured what I had hoped would be my new apartment and give me their blessing. After all I was working making more than enough income to afford my own place, even at nineteen years old. And I think the fact that I worked for my fathers business didn't hurt, he'd see me every day, their house was a few minutes away.


Once I was all moved in I sat on the small couch in the living room in my own apartment for the first time. Breathing in freedom not realizing fully yet all the responsibility that freedom entailed; that would come later. I unpacked my things and set up my place the way I wanted it. It was small and a bit dark but it was mine. Then I set out to the grocery store to do my first grocery shopping. I picked and chose all the things that I wanted and checked out and headed home. 


As I walked down the driveway to the side entrance of the house a smiling face popped out the door of the neighbors house. She yelled to me, " Hi I'm Pat put those groceries away and come over for a beer so you can meet the family." "It looks like we're gonna be neighbors we may as well get to know one another." 


Boy what a relief to be greeted by such a friendly person. 


We became friends and her family were wonderful people. Her husband Artie, her two young children Jimmy and Lisa were adorable kids. Her tenants were undercover police officers that also became my friends; very cool guys. 


It was an amazing place for me to spread my wings and begin to grow up; surrounded by strangers who became like a second family; part protectors to this half girl half woman the first time she moved into her own apartment.

he brings us joy

It was not all that common for a father to have custody of a child back thirty plus years ago let alone three small children. When I met my husband he was that guy. My husband is a good and decent man, it wasn't long after we met that I knew he was "the one" he had all the qualities of a good husband and father. He'd been married previously, was older and had children so there were obstacles, things that needed to be thought out for a single girl who had never been married.

bill

Then on the day I was to meet his children, he pulled up in his car with the kids; they were three, four and six with big eyes staring at me; wisps of bangs hanging down on all their little foreheads. I remember as clear as day they were all sitting in the back seat of his small car peeking out at me so cute and curious and I can say with all honesty I was a goner!

Gretchen Billy and Heather

I can't help but reflect that back then I was in the unique position of seeing this amazing man, a single father be both mother and father to his children. And  I was getting a real preview of what I was getting if I chose to marry him. As a women I think we all wonder how the men we date will be when they become fathers to our children. He was wonderful to those little ones back then those little ones who became the children of my heart after we married. We added two more children to our family; our sons who were born after our marriage. And he continued to be that wonderful father we married.

Matthew and Eric

Always approachable, involved, loving and kind to all of our children; this I know. And there is no doubt there would be little joy in my life without him.

Bill and Me

Happy Fathers Day Honey

osama - death of a terrorist

Last night as I was watching one show on the big screen in the living room my husband yelled the news to me from the den; Osama bin Laden is dead. I can vividly recall that day, when the phone rang and my daughter Gretchen called from work in tears to tell me to turn on the TV and in horror I saw the first tower fall as we spoke. Who thought that any human being could conceive of this type of evil, nor would I have ever have dreamed that I would have witnessed such an event in my lifetime.

The days that followed we heard that people we knew lost their lives in those towers, innocent people doing what they do every day working- making a living expecting to see their loved ones at the close of business. And of course we can never forget the fireman, police officers and other emergency persons who lost their lives doing their duty; New York's finest fallen-may you rest a bit easier each and every one of you. Then of course there were the attacks on the plane and the Pentagon.  One can hardly imagine how the families must be feeling right now, reliving their worst days over again with the news of his death.

picture courtesy of mirror.co.uk

I turned on the news after my husband told me of his death, I like every other person on the planet wanted to see what the President Obama  had to say, wanted to know the details of his death. So many American lives and lives of others have been lost at the direction of this man and his cause.

Perversion of the word of God when it is used to generate violence in His name is truly evil. I am relieved that he no longer walks this earth.However I must admit it bothers me- makes me feel a bit uncomfortable when I see others celebrating on the streets that he is dead. I know as American's we are free to gather on the streets and express ourselves, it's our right and we are free to do so as we wish; I cherish that right; please don't get me wrong. But what does the celebrating say about us as Christians?  Any thoughts?

*I have added this Vatican statement after reading it, it was not included in my original post, but I found it to be worthy of sharing.

Today the Vatican's spokesman, Federico Lombardi, S.J., released this statement on the death of Osama Bin Laden.

"Osama bin Laden, as we all know, bore the most serious responsibility for spreading divisions and hatred among populations, causing the deaths of innumerable people, and manipulating religions for this purpose. In the face of a man’s death, a Christian never rejoices, but reflects on the serious responsibilities of each person before God and before men, and hopes and works so that every event may be the occasion for the further growth of peace and not of hatred."

a blast from the past

This month I celebrated my 50 something-ish birthday. I was thinking about how much things must have changed in all these years. Which got me to wondering. What were things really like back in the year I was born? So I did a little poking around and found out some interesting facts about the year of my birth. 


One thing I love about having a blog it always has me thinking about things to write about and I am constantly learning new things. My Aunt Gen sent me an e-card that had tons of info about the year 1959 and this idea was born! I learned a few things so read on and maybe you will too!

United States Population: 177,829,62

Yearly family salary 6,600.00

Minimum wage in U.S. was $1.00 per hour

Gallon of gas was .25

Dwight D. Eisenhower was President and Richard M. Nixon was Vice President in 1959

Alaska becomes the 49th state

Hawaii becomes the 50th state

Cost of a first class postage stamp was 4 cents

My parents, aunts/uncles and grandparents were probably stuck to the tube watching t.v. shows like:

Rawhide

Hawaiian Eye

Dragnet ends after 8 years 

Bonanza ( in color)

The Twilight Zone

          

In the sports world in 1959

         

Dodgers. vs. Chicago White Sox (4-2)

Baltimore Colts vs. New York Giants. (31-16)

Canadians vs. Toronto Maple Leafs (4-1)

NCAA: California vs. West Virginia (71-70)

My parents went to the movies a lot when they were younger. It was not uncommon to go to the movies and spend the day there. In the year I was born this is what was going on in Hollywood.

And the Academy Award went to:

Best Motion Picture: Ben- Hur

Best Actor: Charlton Heston – Ben- Hur

Best Actress: Simone Singnoret- Suddenly, Last Summer

Best Supporting Actor: Hugh Griffith- Ben- Hur 

Best Supporting Actress :Shelly Winters-The Diary of Anne Frank

Here are some other interesting bits of info that I found.

The Frisbee came to be…

Fidel Castro forced the revolution that brought him into power

Playboy debuts with Marilyn Monroe in the centerfold

The Barbie doll became a girls best friend

So can you tell me; did anything interesting happen on the year you were born?

poor customer service or just bad manners?

hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil,
the qualities of  a poor customer service person

What I want to know is when does poor customer service step over the line into bad manners or are they the same? Are people just getting by by doing the absolutely the minimum and not one iota more or is it just my impression? Am I the only person who still takes pride in the way I treat people  and in the things I do?

I went for my routine mammogram last month, prior to my appointment they called to get my insurance information. I'm sure they would have ruptured something if I were uninsured. My insurance is what they call a split contract, I have one card which represents both my blue cross/blue shield and my other carrier that covers doctors/ drugs- not rocket science right? I explained this to the woman (the insurance rep) prior to my appointment so that  the hospital and the attending Radiologist had the information on record with the hospital for filing purposes. She called me back after verifying that my insurance was current/active and my appointment was confirmed.

Wouldn't you know it, today I received a bill from the Radiologist. The hospital had failed to record the information I provided them about the second half of my insurance- the doctor/drug part. This bothers me to no end, no service-nothing beyond self service -them making sure they get their payment at the hospital period. So I had to call the Radiologist Group and explain the ins and outs of my insurance so that the can file the claim and get paid. I went back and looked at the print out of information they gave me at check in. You guessed right, the insurance information was only partially complete- the hospital part. Be honest people tell your patients you don't provide the doctors with insurance information for crying out loud.

Then as if that wasn't enough, the last time I saw my gynecologist at the latter part of last year they didn't have her 2011 calendar available so they told me they'd e- mail me with an April appointment. Two weeks ago when I hadn't received any such e-mail I called to make the appointment myself. They were already scheduling her appointments for June I'm guessing I was forgotten/overlooked somehow. O.K these things happen I understand that.

They were kind enough to give me the number of her personal assistant and I left a message with her explaining the situation. So I'm polite I waited for the call back thinking I'm an established patient even if they can't accommodate me with an appointment they'll surly call me and tell me so right? Today, two weeks later  and still no return phone call from the assistant, nice right?  I called back to the office to schedule an appointment thinking June's not sounding so bad after all and frankly now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. When I spoke to the girl in the office she told me the first available wasn't until July, two weeks ago it was June. So much for waiting for that call back that never came!!

Why is it that the best doctors have the crappiest staffs?

So what do you think? Unprofessional or just bad manners? Or both?

getting things done

wind chime in maple tree

I love the feeling of getting things done around the house especially this time of year- when I can throw the window open and breathe in the fresh spring air. I feel so alive and invigorated and that translates amongst other things into a bunch of good cleaning days. This is the season when we have a lot of company at our house so I need to get it done when the mood strikes.

Room by room I will tackle with help from my husband when i nag when i ask  so that this house will be in order for who ever shows up on our doorstep this season. My cousins from the Philly & Charlotte area are coming for Easter, a different cousin already e-mailed ahead for a claim on  a bedroom with a queen bed for the 4th of July- it can get busy here but always fun.

Today we did the den- rearranged furniture and the plants into a more open floor plan for the grandkids and my cousins kids to play video games. They'll be plenty of room to entertain with this floor plan and then all we have to do is just move a thing or two and the sofa opens up to a bed. I love this room, it's off the kitchen and it has a ton of windows and lots of light- fans in the ceiling. The other half of this room is dedicated to my husbands desk/computer all his stuff .He gets to have his own space, which he loves- what husband would complain about that?

den

There's still plenty of house left to do and I'm particular, I admit it. We did have a few obstacles that have gotten in the way of our spring preparation. Our extra fridge lovingly know as the "beer fridge" bit the dust so we have to buy a new one- this is crucial for not only beer but extra food when the masses show up for the holidays or just because they feel like visiting. Then because that wasn't enough our grill pooped out too, so we had to get a new one, but it didn't quite end there- does it ever when one owns a home?

young peach tree

I have this mental list of all the things that need to be done outside as well. Our tiller was sent in for repairs so we didn't get our potato garden in yet. We are hoping that's all it is and we don't get bad news that it needs to be replaced on top of everything else. I'm keeping my fingers crossed! After that we need to plant our tomatoes and other vegies but it will need to bet a bit warmer first. There are flower pots to be planted and placed on the decks. Lawn and deck furniture to be pulled out and cleaned and put into place. I think if I wrote a list it would make me crazy. Its just better for it all just to float and rattle around in my brain until I get it all done.

Oh and did I mention we will have to evict our roommates out of the guest rooms  to make way for our cousins or other guests? Meet two of our three little devils, they love to sleep on clean linens.

cheetah & tarzan

she was an Irish women

Nana

With St Patrick's Day only a few days away I can't help but think of my grandmother, she was a proud woman. Her name was Mary Fenton, born in County Cork Ireland and one of twelve children.

She immigrated to this country as a young women with three of her brothers. She married my grandfather Henry who was also an immigrant but from Canada. After first living in Lynn, Mass. they then they moved to Brooklyn NY. where they raised five children thee daughters and two sons, my father Henry was their second child.

 And although it always puzzled me why she rarely spoke of Ireland, I know she missed her family there. I remember when she would receive letters from her sister Kit who was only a small child when she left Ireland.  She would carry the letters in her apron and I would watch her with curiosity carefully unfold them and read and re-read them, wiping away a  tear when she thought nobody was watching.

Nana & Daddy

I can close my eyes now as I write this post and see her sitting  in front of her sewing machine making clothes for me and many other family members all who benefited from her sewing talents. She made all her own clothes as well.  She had a closet full of pants suits- remember when they were in style? She never wore another dress after they came into fashion.

Many a day we'd walk up the avenue together hand in hand to Woolworth's and have lunch at the lunch counter. Followed by a trip to church to light candles for those of our family member who had passed. As a child I would kneel at the alter copying everything that she did wanting to be just like her, her faith was so strong, unwavering.

She loved to bake bread in these old black pans that were Popa's, my Grandfather was a baker; I think bread baking reminded her of him and filled the entire house with the most wonderful aroma. But no matter what her day time activity every evening she'd assume her position in her chair in the living room in the house she shared with my parents, my brothers and I and she would  and  knit or crochet and watch the news and her favorite game shows.

Nana- cousins Pat (left) Genevieve (right)
me  Jen in front

I will always remember our talks, our walks and the clothes she made lovingly for me.

I couldn't imagine my life without her, she was a good example and a role model. I will carry her strength with me every day of my life. She was a good and decent person she was an Irish women. 

recycle yourself

Several months ago my husband came home with shocking news, our friend who is a prominent community leader was in the hospital. He was in such grave condition that they had no other choice but to remove his heart and replace it with a mechanical heart.

I was amazed, horrified then I just cried, for him for his family. For heavens sakes he was in his 50's he was a healthy family man, active, a successful attorney, a soccer coach and then this. How could this possibly be happening to him?

They saved his life with the surgery with the hope that a donor heart would become available. We live fairly close to one of the few hospitals in the country that have doctors who are qualified to implant mechanical hearts; what wonderfully talented doctors and what amazing technology. Word spread thru our small community, phone calls were made, cards sent, prayers were said and then we waited along with him and his family.

Organ donation is a gift don't you think? To save the life of another or to help another with a tissue donation, we hear of it regularly but I'm not quite sure how many of your lives this has touched. My own son received a tissue donation when he had his ACL replaced while a freshman in college by a person who was an organ donor. It doesn't sound  as sexy as a heart or a kidney but his knee is like new eight years later and we are so grateful.

After a considerable wait our friend received the gift of a new heart over the weekend, we were overjoyed to hear the good news. Even better than that is he's doing great, sitting up eating, no complications from the surgery.

We continue to hope for his increased strength and improved health and pray that his body doesn't reject his new heart.  And it is also my hope that the donors family might find peace and comfort after a time that this gift has brought joy to so many by saving his life.

If you aren't a donor, think about it. I am a donor, and so are all my family members ....

 Sign a donor card give the gift of life.

-post card- a lesson this mother learned

I am a mother of dead children, how exactly does a woman do that; be a parent to children who are no longer alive? I ventured a guess it had a lot to do with what kind of mother I was to my living children.

The timing of accident happened at the point of transition for me. I had two married daughters a married son, grandchildren and a soon to be empty home. My youngest two boys in their early twenties, the one involved in the accident had been in college, living off campus near his college with his brother-in-law and the sister- the one who he died with in the accident. The other son had graduated college was starting a law enforcement career working long hours, hardly ever home- both ready to make the transition themselves to full independence.

What I found out thru a good bit of reflection and yes- therapy was that I had an over exaggerated sense of my own importance in my children's lives, they were adults after all. I didn't need to remind this one of the others birthday or smooth over this or that spat, feel responsible to accommodate get together's "just because" I wanted family togetherness. If the kids were in touch with each other or not that was their own is their business, and they were free to conduct separate relationship free of my involvement or judgement. I was their parent- not the social director-communications director- feeler of all things responsible-my involvement to the extent that it was, was too much.

I could write a list as long as my arm of  those little things I did to accommodate. I am a caretaker by nature the hub of the family- the peacemaker, I think most mothers are. If the people who I care about need me I'm there- that's what I do, but there's another layer to it, why I did it- it fulfilled a need in me.

And that's the rub here of course, when I did all the things I did I told myself it was for them, but under all of it what drove me was this need- this feeling to be involved to stay relevant and to hold on to how it felt to be that mother of children that were actually children. So with that knowledge I transitioned rather painfully I must admit from the mother who was rather enmeshed in her adult children's lives to a concerned mother who was involved but no longer enmeshed.

Even though not the original  purpose for going, the death of my children brought me to the therapy which helped me to grow as a mother.  I gained valuable insight into my relationships with my children. I learned that stepping back, that letting go isn't withholding attention or love but the complete opposite and that lesson applies to my dead children as well as my living ones.

Hi my name is Jen- I'm addicted to Hallmark cards

I went into the Hallmark store to buy one card a few days ago, sounds simple right? I wish, not really!

Talk about choices, and that was just for the type of card I was interested in buying- Thinking of You-Just To Say Hello. Frankly, both would have been appropriate but I was finding it difficult to locate one that said something close to what I wanted to express, nothing quite did it for me. So I kept on looking for the perfect card scanning section after section aisle after aisle, my Hallmark moment turned into a Hallmark hour- well almost!

Have you ever gambled, gone to a casino, put those coins in a slot machine? My husband and I went on a cruise with about thirteen family members a few years ago, it was my first time doing slot machine gambling. Your always thinking that next spin on the slot machine is gonna get you that winner, it's rather exciting- that next one will surely be the one won't it?

Now back to The Hallmark Store, I found its like being in the casino, there are hundreds of cards on the shelves, when you don't find what you want you just keep on looking - just one more card- just one more card-  I kept on saying, hoping that the next one will be "the one" that will express the perfect sentiment- say the right words.

I did find a card in amongst all those aisles and aisles of cards, with a few simple words written in it. For all the searching for the perfect sentiment, I found it was best expressed with my own hand in my own words, so I included a personal note.

Call me crazy, but I bet I'm not the only one who does this am I?

Getting to know me- ten random things

I've been blogging for less than a month now, and I enjoy it very much. I know there are tons of things I don't know- stuff I need to learn about how to be a better more well rounded blogger, how to get people to read my blog,  about comments, become followers all that stuff. I thought if those of you who actually do read so far might like to get to know me a little better. And I hope for those of you that have come and visited from time to time, you might consider following  or leaving a comment so that I can visit you as well. Anyway, here some random stuff about me that came to mind this morning so you can get a better idea of the kind of person I am- with a few pictures added.

1)  I was born in New York City.

NYC

2) I love to cook but rarely use recipes when doing so. Boy does this cause a problem for me when someone asks how I made something- I can tell them all the ingredients but never exact measurements. I'll usually have to make what ever it is just to provide an exact recipe.

3)  I cry at parades - can't help it- dumb huh?

4) My favorite t.v. shows are Bones, Criminal Minds, Lie to Me and The Closer. I also love the show on the history channel called American Pickers, have you seen it? These guys go around and buy peoples old stuff, which amounts to valuable junk- very good show.

5) I'm a morning person now. I used to be able to stay up late and sleep in; I swear you hit 50 and  bedtime becomes a big thing again- boy I need to get a life!!

6)  I never skimp on good linens for the beds in my house, there is nothing better than a great nights sleep in a comfy bed with great sheets- soft comforter or quilt.

7) This is my #1 favorite group picture of my kids.

 they're having so much fun!

8) I have four grandchildren 3 boys and 1 girl

9) Given the choice I will always pick salty over sweet. I'm a chips gal, cookies and cake are o.k but chips and pretzels are my preference.

10) My favorite food is Italian -  give me a bowl of any pasta and I'm in heaven.

- post card- Death of a child- guilt and marriage

It has been said that the death of a child can put a strain on a marriage.

When our son Eric was in high school, a team-mate on his baseball team died in an accident, that boys parents didn't make it. Now I can't say what caused the break up, or how their marriage was before the boy died. What I can tell you is the strain is terrible, parents grieve differently, communicate differently have different needs that the other spouse has to try to understand and respect. Then there are the added pressures too of -caring for siblings, jobs, court, criminal proceedings, financial concerns, our children's death was very public, some parents blame each other; the list is endless.

Today I was thinking about guilt- I am a Catholic after all. It's been said we know all about guilt. But I was thinking about regular guilt not the Catholic kind (that comes from divorce or missing church, turning your back on Catholicism) I was thinking more the kind I felt after the kids died. For the first two years, my husband and I went to therapy together as a couple. I continued in therapy on my own for at least that much time after. But as a couple our marital strengths and attitudes towards each other before the accident vital to how we would weather the storm, my therapist hinted at this in the beginning. The night the kids died I remember laying in bed shaking in shock and I turned him and said, "this is the worst day of our lives, every day after this will be better". My therapist viewed us as solid enough as a couple- that statement as hopeful. Little did we know what hard days we had ahead and that the days getting better part would come with doses of guilt.

When the kids died my husband was just like me- devastated.  I just would have crawled under a rock and died if it wasn't for the fact that he didn't find me and pull me up every single day. He on the other hand would tell you the same thing about me, that I held him up. I know we were fortunate to have each other to lean on that we didn't have to do it alone.

We spent long hours talking, it was not uncommon for us to be up all hours of the night crying together always asking the question why them, why us? Endless mornings sitting in the den over coffee looking out the windows as the seasons changed figuring out how to move on with our lives. Always asking and never getting the answer we needed. How could one tractor-trailer in the middle of the night on an empty Interstate drift off the road and run over our kids at the exact minute they were walking from Eric's broken down Honda to his sisters SUV. What are the chances in this universe that that would happen? And why couldn't it have been us, we would have gladly traded places with them.

When you are in such pain, when you are stripped bare of all that you are you slowly but surly you crawl back out of your despair and then it hits "the guilt". I felt that since my kids death my marriage was better, stronger than it had been before. My kids were dead and I was reaping benefits as a result. I knew my husband felt the positive changes in our marriage too, the guilt however was mine alone. My marriage which was a good and loving one before the accident had transformed into a  much deeper more satisfying one. You learn a lot about making peace enough to end many wars. Since it seems that all I  did while grieving was to have little wars within myself,  I made peace with the guilt. I made a choice to look at the positive changes in my marriage as a gift. Was it a gift from God, from Gretchen and Eric or the gift of a talented therapist- maybe all four? Either way we happily received it and are the better for it.

How about you? Have you had any experiences with guilt? How did your experiences affect you?

-post card- Grief- is like a sweater

The thing about  blogging is you get to invite  people into you life to whatever extent you feel comfortable; and  in return you get a peek into theirs. I guess it's human nature that we tend to seek out others with the same interests- hobbies, senses of humor, and people who have the endured the same trials in life.


I have read a few blogs since I have started this blog; blogs written by mothers whose children have died. For some their loss is new for others more time has passed. For all the grief unimaginable- unexplainable to those who have not endured it. We all travel this road differently, no two journeys are the same. We are as unique as were our children. But the longing that ache we feel for our children never goes away- this we all share.

Our sadness comes at us in waves like the ocean; our emotions can feel like the most horrible roller coaster ride that one never gets off. I can't help but remember on the day of my children's funeral I spoke to my Godmother, my Aunt Frances on the phone, she was in the hospital quite seriously ill and unable to attend the funeral.  What she said to me I will always remember...

She said "grief is like a sweater some days you wear it and it's so heavy that you can hardly stand it - other days you wear it and you hardly know you have it on". 

Aunt Frances knew loss, one can hardly reach well into their 80's and not be touched by it. She knew that day to lovingly tell me that sweater wasn't ever coming off, that I better make peace with wearing it- forever.

-post card-Connecting with friends and family

Do you know which is the best part of life?? 

It's simple, when your family understands you 

as a friend and your friends support you as a family.

.....author unknown

When I was considering what I was going to write in this post I started to reflect about my group of friends.We have been meeting for years regularly every second Friday of every month for dinner as a group, this Friday will be our night together.

Of course we see each other at different times on other occasions but this is really a treat for us, a chance to catch up as a group. Most times it's in the local restaurant, but sometimes we'll have dinner at our homes. Christmastime at my house, dinners pool side at another gals home, and evenings like this Friday at different friends home,  sharing a meal, with people who you really enjoy being around.

They are a great bunch of  ladies my neighbors- did I mention there are husbands and a few ex's but these dinners are strictly ladies only? What we do varies however we have a few former stay at home mom's- turned empty nester's, teachers, business owners, nurses, women who run at home businesses, most with grown children or -pretty much grown, there are a few little ones too. We have single children, married children with or without their own children, college completed, graduate degree's in the process. Our children  male and female alike are either friends or friendly, many went to school together-passed thru those same halls just at different times, played the same sports, attend each others weddings, two are even room mates.

I think we have the same values, we share the same faith, and we truly enjoy each other- support each other- like a family.

As far as my real family, that would be the noisy mostly Irish might have drank an adult beverage did i say noisy people? We originated in the great state of NY, after three of my four grandparents emigrated to this country and finally settled there. Now we are stretched all over the country over so many states I've actually lost count, but primarily the east coast. I can't stress enough how amazing they are.

People think I'm exaggerating when I talk about the love and warm closeness I have with my brothers, sister-in-laws, their kids, my godchildren, my mom, aunts, uncles, cousins- not to mention my own husband, our children, son in law, and grandkids- who are adorable. Whether it be just those for "no reason times" when we visit each other or holiday's, birthday parties,vacations, christenings, an anniversary, weddings or even those unfortunate and sad times when the family gathers and we lose one or two of our own-  being with each other...I can think of nothing better.