May 27, 2011

the escape

Red Writing Hood

Write a short piece - 600 words max - that begins with the words, 
"This was absolutely the last time" and ends with "She was wrong."

"This was absolutely the last time," Daisy said to her mother.

"Be quiet you guys and goooo to sleep or eeeelse," she yelled to the kids loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear! 

That was met by a chorus of groans. "I am not going to get up again," she yelled.  

But of course her mother Lily knew she would. 

Mother and daughter had been watching a movie in the living room on the new DVD player. Throughout the movie they kept on hearing the chatter and the giggles and the occasional bang of the kids in the bedroom  near the front of the house. 

"You know how it is when the kids are over tired Daisy," Lily said.

Daisy had told them to settle down more times than she could count. She knew what her mother was saying was true but somehow it didn't help to soothe her frustration.

"Mom I'm getting really tired of this crap; I don't even know what this movie's about," she exclaimed! 

Then came the rattle of the cookie wrapper from the kitchen, the sound was unmistakable. But a quick peek through the door and down the hallway showed no child in sight.

Daisy returned to the couch, closed her eyes for a minute and took a deep breath; when she opened them her mother was grinning.

"Oh Mom, I could have sworn I heard that cookie wrapper rattling  a second ago, really I did!" 

Lilly laughed," oh it's just the boys give them a break Daisy."

Lily was thinking to herself the kids were probably snitching cookies, after all little boys are always hungry for cookies.

"Mom I'm done, I mean it!"  "If I catch the kids out of bed they're in big trouble so you can wipe that smile off your face and it is not funny!" 

Daisy got up off the couch and edged down the hallway and was greeted by an empty kitchen; all she saw was an open package of Oreo Cookies on the counter top.

Then ever so quietly she cracked opened the bedroom door and entered to check on the children.

"They look like they're sleeping," she said to herself in a whisper.

Curious she stepped closer, light streaming thru the curtains she could see each was breathing deeply in and out in and out. Their sleep was sound, the type of deep sleep that cannot be faked by children that young.

Back in the kitchen Daisy called out," Momma, want some cookies and tea?" "Thanks honey," was the reply. 

She picked up the package of cookies with the intention of taking some cookies out of the package when a mouse jumped out from under the cellophane wrapper.

Dropping the cookies she swallowed back a half scream- half laugh as she watched the little mouse escape across the kitchen floor. Daisy then muttered into the air with a grin." If Mom thought the kids were in those cookies I can say with out a doubt that she was wrong."

To those who read this piece
I've never tried my hand at writing fiction.
Fiction is scary to me!
In the interest of full disclosure, we did have an incident at my Mom's house with a mouse in the Oreo's once. So that part of the story is true; the rest if made up completely by me. 
So when you read this piece be honest but gentle on this fiction newbie! 


  1. Yay for newbie fiction!!! I think you did wonderful!! Seriously. I too find it very difficult to write fiction. It's so much easier to write about the truth...but with fiction you can use pieces of reality and run with it just like you did.
    Great job!

  2. Oh boy! Are you just the nicest person ever and the best thing for my ego! Thanks for the terrific comment Kimberly. You might just keep me trying my hand at writing!

  3. I enjoyed it! And, loved that you did somewhat base it on a real experience :) That makes fiction even more interesting! Keep writing - I'm looking forward to reading more from you next week through #TRDC!

  4. Thanks Sara it was really enjoyable to do thanks for reading. Till next week!

  5. Congrats on your first piece of fiction0 way to jump right in!

    I love that you used a titch of truth in your story; that helps things ring true.

    And all I can say about the mouse is, Eeeewww! :)

  6. Thanks Galit I enjoyed the experience might even try my hand at it again, no mouse next time!

  7. For a first piece of fiction I think it's really sweet. I love the frustration she experiences trying to get her kids to quiet down and go to sleep. What mom can't relate? And the amusement of her mother over her frustration rings too as well (don't all grandparents love to sit back and think "Ha! Payback!" :)

    My only critique is that it's sometimes difficult to determine who is speaking. I guess because Daisy is a mother and Lily is HER mother...but I'm not sure how it could be worded to make it clearer...or maybe it's just me :)

  8. Dialouge is so tricky isn't it? I hear it's the hardest thing to master when writing. It never sounded just right to me either truth be told. Your just the first person to actually say it.
    Thanks Carrie


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