A-Z 2013 the letter G

 "He hath given his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways" (Ps. 90:11)

In my entire life even in my darkest moments I’ve never actually felt alone. Now I must in full honesty disclose a few facts however; I come from a big family then got married and had a family numbering seven (five kids). 

Spiritually speaking I am a person of faith and I've always believed in angels. But I don't really ever remember the nuns telling me I had my own Guardian Angel; maybe I was sick that day. To be honest I am very open to the thought that maybe that's another reason I've never ever felt alone.

So I've decided that my “G” today would be guardian angel. 

What about you. Do you believe in guardian angels?

Here are some basic Angel facts before we get to the specifics of what guardian angels do.

1. Angels are spirits created by God, they do not have bodies, they do however have understanding and free will.
2. Angels are spiritual beings superior to man and inferior to God; this is of faith. We do not know the number of angels, but we can infer from Holy Scripture that their number is very great.
3. Before the creation of man, God created hosts of angel; they are pure spirit without bodies in contrast to man.
4. When angels or devils appear to men, they assume human form or some other visible shape. Thus the angel that appeared to the Mary assumed human form. The devil that tempted Eve appeared as a serpent.

Even demons are pure spirits. They were angels before they became devils.The word "angel" means messenger, and angels have often been sent by God to make known His will to men.

What is a Guardian Angel?

1. Guardian angels help us by praying for us, by protecting us from harm, and by inspiring us to do good.
2. Our guardian angels watch over each of us from birth to death.
3. We should always love and pray to our guardian angel who never leaves our side.
4. The Catholic Church (yes I'm Catholic) celebrates the feast of the guardian angels on October 2.(my son Eric's birthday)

Guardian angels help us stay positive, moving our will to what is good. They protect souls and bodies in danger. They offer our prayers and good works to God. They pray for us and help us in our work and with our needs.

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ok, spill it!

I've been following the traditions of not eating meat on Fridays during Lent maybe you have too? Some people give up an additional things, they usually sacrifice something else like giving  up a favorite food -drink or activity. Actually I didn't this year, bad I know, feeling a bit of guilt about that..... us Catholics are good at that!

 photo attribution 

                                                                                                     
Anyway, did you ever hear the expression-

guilty

pleasure? ......of course you have...

According to the merriam- webster dictionary it means: something pleasurable that induces a usually minor feeling of guilt.

My guilty pleasures all fall into a few categories, like.....

• I just rather not live without it, whatever it is.....
• Something that I either do or eat or drink little to often. 
• Then there's the guilt, because I'm good that way. 

Now a brief list of a few of my favorite guilty pleasures....

• Italian food, any and all Italian food! I can't just have one bowl of pasta or one slice of pizza I always want more! 
• Coffee, couldn't go a day without it. I know all that caffeine isn't good for me, but it's so darn good! 

• Sleeping in after Bill gets up in the morning. I'm not the greatest sleeper anymore so if I have the bed to myself and get a few extra zzzz's {sorry honey} is wonderful! 

OK my friends, we all have our guilty little pleasures so tell me; what's yours?

Linking this post up with Shell at
      Pour Your Heart Out

to give is to receive

Picture this......

You go visit a sick friend and as you're leaving you see them smile and your heart just smiles too!  

Or you give some much needed support to a friend during a really difficult divorce. Hey, just an ear and a hot cup of coffee but you both walk away feeling a bit lighter if only for a moment or two. 

An elderly member of your church is lonely so at the sign of peace you forget the handshake and give her a hug and she tears up with gratitude and your heart swells. 

Isn't this so true? 
Have you experienced this yourself?

photo attribution

Linking up with Bits of Bee today.

it's my cross to wear

Do you have a treasured gift? I was laying in the bed the other night, feeling a bit uncomfortable because the chain of my gold cross had twisted a bit around my neck. That's when it struck me there was a story lurking about this particular cross because of special feelings I feel every time I take that little gold symbol of my faith between my fingers or look at it hanging on my neck. It's as if get to carry the gift of the person who gave me it with me always.

I wish I could have taken a clear picture of my cross but my camera wouldn't cooperate. I did find a picture of me at my surprise fiftieth birthday party given by my brother Gerard and sister in law Denise and I'm wearing it.

How did I get it you ask? Here's the story...My mother was an only child whose mother died in childbirth. Back in the day fathers didn't raise daughters they were usually taken in by female relative and that's what happened in my mothers case. My birth grandmothers sister, Winifred took in my mother and raised her as her own along with her other children, an older son and two pre-teen age daughters. I found this great picture of my Nana who raised Mom with me as a baby in her apartment on Lexington Ave in NYC.

Nana and me

Mom had a good life and she came to have a great affection  for her sister Marion's husband Joe Pecci (not the actor!)  When I was born, Mom and my Dad chose him and my Dad's eldest sister Frances to be my Godparents. This is such a huge role for Catholic families, they guide us in our faith formation and are our role models. The role and connection of the godparent - godchild doesn't end in childhood either. I had very good relationships with my godparents and as they aged the caring they showed me as a child was gladly returned to them.

Uncle Joey my godfather and I dancing at Gerard &
Denise's Wedding

For my First Holy Communion Uncle Joey gave me a gold cross. I was seven at the time and I've worn this cross for the better part of forty five years.Oh, I take it off now and again, like when I go on vacation or to the beach or in the pool. I'd be crushed if I lost it, truly I would. I've had it for such a long time. I wish I had a picture of myself in my Communion dress but I can't seem to locate one and it's doubtful you'd see the cross since it's so small anyway. I imagine Uncle Joey smiling down from heaven knowing how I still cherish it with all my heart. He was such an adorable man, very Italian and very loving.

Aunt Fances and I having a visit.
Charlie & Cosmo.

My parents chose well, and although I was closer to my godmother Frances during her life time, my Uncle and I shared a warm and loving affection until the day he died.

By the way my godmother gave me a ring, but that's another story!

Do you have a treasured gift? What memories does your gift evoke?

i'm finished stalking my husband

I've gotten my laptop back from HP. They fixed whatever was wrong with her and didn't ruin any of my memory which was a plus. It seems that my entire life is on this computer and saving, well most days; sadly, I forget. All I had to do was to change my password and I was back in business. Someone loves me!

My husband is a happy man since for the past week I have been literally stalking him at his desk for computer time. The minute he gets up I jump into his desk chair to check my e-mail and blog. Talk about being attached to my computer! But it got me to thinking just how attached.....

I know I don't like to leave my house without my cell phone, it's one of those smart phones thingies. Can't you hear my hubby howl every time he gets the bill? I got one for me and my son Matthew a year ago last Christmas. It was the family plan so it saved money; yeah right!

Years ago I didn't think twice leaving and not being in touch with the house for hours on end.  Now I'll literally turn back and get my phone rather then be without it. I can't say honestly whether this has anything to do with the accident but I just don't feel safe without a phone. I'm attached!

When I get up in the morning usually my husband is up already and has made coffee. He'll greet me with a hug, hand me my coffee, then I turn on the TV to Imus on Fox News Business and flip open my laptop and he goes to his desk top in the den; that's what we do! We're attached!

Many of my family and friends live in other states so this laptop is a way of communication for me.  My children and my Mom are here and fairly local but we still use our computers and cells for communication. And my blog? I love my blog, its an outlet for me and its fun to meet other people, male and female and our relationship however limited are rewarding and gratifying to me.

I read an interesting article today saying that the Catholic Church (I'm a Catholic) in Ireland has come out with a report saying that the fastest growing cause of marital difficulty in Ireland in the year 2010 was internet misuse. You can read it for yourself here if you'd like the journal.ie.

Does your computer time and your blog friends interfere with your home life? I spend a good amount of time on my laptop each day and I know my husband worries about my safety. He was a cop that's what he does. But other than that it hasn't been a concern between us.

How about you, attached?

Rather cuddle up with you laptop than your significant other?

Feel naked without you cell phone?

Have you had a tiff about your computer time?

I'd love to hear how your blog life has affected your home life.

and the competition is on!

It's tomato mania in my family! My cousin Gregg sent me a picture via text of his young son, the child wanted a little blog love from his cousin Jen starring......him and his container tomato plant! Cute huh?

It all started when my husband asked me to take a picture of him in the garden a while back which I posted here on this very blog which started it all (click here). Bill in the garden

Then my cousins Jeanmarie and Hans saw the picture of his tomato's and sent pictures of their tomato's (click here) Hans in his garden It was clear to me that competition was in the air; that my cousins were suffering from a little garden envy. Little did I know that another much smaller cousin would throw some dirt into the mix....

Meet John Smith  (I will not reveal to you if this is an alias or it that is indeed his real name.I have sworn the tomato oath of secrecy !! Cross my tomato's and hope to die eating so many tomato's my belly bursts....


John unlike cousin Bill and Uncle Hans is a container gardener; and a handsome Catholic school boy in his uniform don't you think? If you look carefully you can see his tomato container behind him on the wall and low and behold it is taller than his head! It looks huge to me. I'm amazed someone so young could grow such a great plant. I bet Bill and Hans couldn't do that when they were little!

John Smith and his super duper tomato plant!

Help me out here ( even all you lurkers who read this blog please leave a comment ) John's gonna read this post! Do you think John had a fabulous tomato plant? I think cousin Bill and Uncle Hans better watch their backs; don't you? John appears to be the best gardener in the family hands down.

memories of my dad

My fathers been gone now for twenty two years. Every year when his birthday and fathers day come along.... I remember. This year since I have this blog I thought I'd share some of my father with you.

His name was Henry...  

Or some people called him Hank

1. My father loved the beach, my earliest memories were of my father in his beach chair with his radio and his newspaper.  He'd sit sun glasses in place on his nose while reading the news catching some rays. 

2. My father loved to cook and he was a good cook; one thing was he used every single pot and pan in the kitchen usually. God love him he had a great time in the kitchen but he'd make quite a mess. I would be remiss if I didn't mention he was a big believer in the traditional Sunday dinner.  We had two dogs when we were growing up a German Shepard named Major and a Belgian Shepard named Smokey, my Dad would even cook for them! 

3. He was a devoted son, my Grandmother was crazy about him and I know for a fact that he was about her. She was a strong Irish woman who taught all of her children the importance of family and my father learned that lesson at her knee well, and......

Dad and Mom hosted many a holiday's at our house ( Nana's too! ) filled to the brim with happy Aunts, Uncles and cousins and their families eating and enjoying each other's company. Everyone screaming, nobody listening, lots of love!

See there isn't a closed mouth in the bunch!!

4. Dad loved a good Scotch and a good football game. He especially loved the New York Giants. My Uncle Howard my Dad's best buddy and brother- in -law was a Jets fan. They had a friendly rivalry going between the two of them over those teams. I expect if that type of activity were allowed in heaven; they're still at it; over a cocktail of course.

5. He was a devoted husband to my mother. My parents were married for just less then 40 years when Dad passed away. I just couldn't imagine them ever being not together; this is what I heard about how it started. One night in a bar while with friends-story one- Dad fell in love with Mom at first sight- story two- Dad saw Mom's bra strap break and he fell in love with her. He told his friend Buddy Acosta that night, "I'm gonna marry her some day". And he did...

6. Bolstering the whole bra strap story about him and Mom; my father was a beloved Uncle with many nieces many of whom are also his Goddaughters.  He used to pay for my girl cousins their first bras. And no he's wasn't a perv! He would also get his Goddaughter birthstone rings for their First Holy Communion. My cousin Barbara just passed her's down to my niece who made her first Holy communion last year, it was a lovely gesture from Goddaughter to Granddaughter.

7.  Being the only girl with two brothers it was easy to con  trick my father. I would take baby pictures of me and my brothers and shuffle them up and then ask him to pick who was the cutest baby. Of course he would always pick me! I'm not quite sure if he could tell the difference between me or my brothers; that's why I always won every time!! I'm even cute when I'm screaming my lungs out! This picture is the day my godparents my Aunt Frances and Uncle Joey took me to be baptized.(fyi) Back in ancient times (I'm showing my age) parents didn't attend, it was the godparents responsibility to take the child to the church.

my parents and me at my Christening

8. Once when one of my babies was crying over at my parents house, my Dad was was sitting in his chair in the living room. He had his eyes closed, his head was laying back on a pillow and I had to wonder if the crying was bothering; if he was suffering a headache. So I asked him,"Dad is the babies crying bothering you? His reply, " that is the most wonderful sound in the world, my grandson crying,."

9. He was a devoted grandfather to not only my brothers children but to mine, spoiling them shamelessly, giving them soda and taking them for walks to the ice cream parlor. They would follow him like little ducks down the street only to return with ice cream cones bigger than they could handle; dripping with their favorite flavor, smiles all around.

10. And of course he was always by my side at my most important moments, to guide me, to tell me when I was wrong, to lead me in the right direction and most of all to love me until the day he died.

my dad and me on the day of my confirmation

being with my peeps on easter



front left to right grandson #3 cousin J
back left to right grandson #1 cousin L, grandson #2

I am laboring at my husbands computer to write this post- its like wearing someone else's shoes- not the right fit! It feels funny sitting at a desk!!. My laptop screen  isn't lighting up and one of the hinges snapped.  I think its time for a new one, now all I have to do is figure out is how to get my files on to the new one when I get it. ( I know I know I never backed up!)  I can see a faint outline on the screen so I know it's working. It's a good ole gal but another repair bill isn't in my future. So I guess we'll be sharing for a while until I get a new one and figure out what to do about my files.

In the mean time here's what happened over the Easter weekend...

So I had a wonderful  extended weekend with my family, most everyone arrived here on Thursday night so the festivities started early. Although the cousins did hit a bit of traffic coming from the north- not the ones from the south thought- they all arrived here safe and sound and without the hastles of traffic.

Friday was pretty much a relax and catch up on what was new in our lives while my cousins sons played video games and played with the cats. Did I forget to mention that my son also arrived on Thursday as well? The guys spent hours outside in the sunshine throwing Frisbee, football and baseball with the boys since the weather was really very nice.



from right to left H, Chef G , grandsons #1, 2 cousins L, grandson #3 cousin J



Saturday we all headed up to Richmond to see the Picasso Exhibit, my daughter, son in law and the grandsons met us there. We had the kids dust off my Aunt Winifreds wheelchair for Mom so she could join us since she's on a cane and the walking involved would be way to much and we were on our way. Needless to say, the five boys didn't see the Picasso's, although the VMFA is free the Picasso was $16 per child and that rather costly. My cousins husband stayed with the boys and the rest of us staggered our time into shifts so the children could enjoy the rest of the museum while we viewed the Picasso's. For me it was overwhelming, and we walked  thru 11 different gallery rooms displaying his art according to the year he produced the pieces displayed. Starting at 1900  straight thru 1956. There were prints, paintings, photographs, sculpture, drawings- I really could have spent a week in there but only spent an a bit more than an hour and a half since our tickets were timed.



My cousin H at VMFA



Needless to say I can probably speak for my daughter her husband and my cousins that the right choice was made regarding the children who are all under the age of 13. Picasso who is brilliant had many pieces of art on display that were of a sexual nature. To say it plainly; the man likes breasts and other parts of the female anatomy and it was probably a good call that the kids weren't exposed to so many pieces of art with that subject matter.

Then it was back to the house for more food, boy did we eat! And my cousins husband is a chef so it isn't to shabby to have his help in the kitchen. My Grandson # 2 loves to cook and be in the kitchen and he and Chef G spent a ton of time together cutting and chopping on Easter Sunday after we got home from Mass. We even gave Grandson #2 his own knife which is blue since he's taking cooking lessons for Mother Day with my daughter; isn't that a great idea for a mother and son to do?

My cousin C and her son L had to head out early so that he could get back to Charlotte to spend some time with his Dad later Sunday. My kids- son in law headed out of here on Sunday after dinner since it was back to work for them on Monday, and they are all in public service, one county, one state, one federal. The grandsons were exhausted I came to find out since I was late nights here hanging with the cousins in my den for boys sleep over time. My cousin H and her husband Chef G and their son headed out on Tue to go back to PA.

It's safe to say, my husband and I are pretty tired right now, but always pleased to be with our family. I hope you all had great family time as well over the long weekend.
Do anything interesting? Eat anything fabulous? I'd love to hear about it!

-post card- we ' Duck 'ed down to the beach!

We left for our beach holiday about noon Saturday and did a leisurely drive to North Carolina, that amounted to about a three and a half hour drive. Before all the family arrives for Easter the following week we figured we deserved a little pre-rest and relaxation. Do you like our logic? Our destination the small charming town called Duck NC. This area the north part of the Outer Banks and is rather narrow from  the Currituck Sound to the beach. To walk from one to the other isn’t all that difficult although we didn't do it ourselves, the reason for that is farther down in this story.

shops on the sound

 

There are cute little shops in Duck, there are tons of restaurants dotted all over the community many with decks and docks. Of course all serving sea food, some with a Caribbean flair, most any type of cuisine can be found as well. This is a community that services a large tourist trade there are ice cream shops, kite shops, hammocks, t-shirts, antiques, crafts, books, coffee shops, just to many shops to mention, but you get the idea.

view of the resort from the beach

We checked into our resort and the view is beautiful, the walk to the beach is do-able and the beach is nice. The weather was in the 70 to 80 range the whole time we were there, but I’m getting ahead of myself a bit. We did a bit of shopping few a few essentials and were happy to commence with some relaxation.

decks of the uppers condos

The complex are these three story cedar shingle multiple units and they are everywhere on the property. All the units have decent size rather nice decks, fireplaces, kitchens and as many as three bedrooms. We however were unlucky enough to be placed on the third story, which equals 40 stairs. Five different sections of multiple steps winding your way up, it has its benefits though, the view is beautiful. 

view of homes next to our resort

So Sunday morning we decide to go to Mass, you guessed it…. we got all the way down and I took a fall on the bottom section. My foot slipped on the mold of the deck step and I went down like a ton of bricks. My leg, butt-pelvis, shoulder blade, and arm are such shades of black, blue, purple, and green. I will promise not to post any pictures of my wounds, take my word it’s not pretty!! 

  

resort beach

A little fall didn’t keep me down however, sitting was more painful than walking anyway. I’m strong boned so I was pretty much back to normal in a day. We went to the beach daily, I have to say there were plenty of troopers that actually braved the water and were actually swimming. The water is way too cold here in April for me.

calm seas today

We pretty much planned each day’s outing for one meal in a restaurant, usually lunch. I would rather be browsing in and out of the shops in the warm afternoon sun and eating at an outside café then eating dinner out. So that was our pattern for this vacation. Then we’d go back to the resort and cook dinner after visiting the beach and we’d eat a nice meal  on the condo’s deck and share a bottle of wine or have a few beers. It was very relaxing!!

beautiful beach front homes

On our last day we drove over the bridge to a town called Manteo- Roanoke Island, “the lost colony” and browsed in the shops. Again, another quaint town with shops, shop owners and crafts people selling their wares in shops and galleries by the docks, that are lined with the most beautiful boats.   We very much enjoyed the company of an elderly couple who were at the next table from us while we had lunch. He like my father was from Brooklyn, NY. We enjoyed a lively conversation and reminisced about our former home New York, he too now lives in the south-Virginia.

Manteo

All and all it was a lovely holiday aside from the fall. I only have one other tiny little regret (or maybe it was a blessing) about our vacation and that was the fact that the resort didn’t have free Wi-Fi. They did have a service available but they wanted something along the lines of $50.00 for a week’s internet service. Frankly that was just a bit excessive for something that most places give for free now a days. What I can do with my smart phone really is minimal so that’s why I didn’t post anything until I returned and I apologize for that sincerely. 

I hope you enjoy the pictures and hearing about our week at the beach...

- post card- and then the walls fell

St Josephs

Any of you who have ever belonged to a church and go on a regular basis know that the sanctuary is always the heart of a church. This is my church, I love this place and the people who go here are some of the finest people whom I have ever met. The people here are from all walks of life, a diverse mix of cultures, it was a wonderful place for my children to have grown up, to received their sacraments. I actually drive 30 miles to belong to this church.- that's each way!!

 It would make more sense to write about St Joseph- the man after all, this past weekend when we honored the patron Saint of  The Universal Church- fathers. I am however going to write about our parish hall;. Quinn Hall  named fondly after Francis Quinn a former pastor at our church. I'm afraid its not included in this picture, its in a separate building on the other side of the parking area.

It serves  the usual needs of the parish, wedding receptions, christenings, The Knights of Columbus breakfasts, church dinners for Ash Wednesday, receptions after funerals, functions for our school, I can go on and on. There are many memories made in this place, I have many memories of this place. But the four walls of Quinn Hall contain a far greater thing than just a "Catholic place" it is a community place it is the symbol of so much more- it is truly universal. The poor get fed there for lunch weekly, there are holiday dinners as well, food gets sorted for Christmas giving, its doors are open on hot days the cities people go there to be in the air conditioning, we have dinners and sales that fund our church outreach to the poor of our city. Many people are helped in this place.

Tuesday at 2:39 a.m an adjoining building caught fire and not only were several businesses and empty apartments engulfed but Quinn Hall burned down....it was a complete loss,  there were no injuries thank God. Our beloved meeting place is gone, the brick shell was taken down for safety reasons.

Quinn Hall was at one time a grocery store that our parish purchased back in 1981. Donations were made and the necessary renovations  were done to suit our needs; it became a place of great importance for us.The parish  is already hopeful about rebuilding, that is their nature. Like our Patron Saint- Joseph they have a genuine faith that this will work out and they look forward to making new memories when we build our new parish hall.

-post card- protect us from all anxiety

In the hours and days following the accident that killed the kids the phone kept on ringing. There were reports that the accident site was a terrible scene, the coroner was away for a holiday so there would be delays releasing their bodies. The accident details were reported on the national news, reporters were calling the house, Fed- Ex was delivering packets from high priced attorneys promising to "represent" us as if somehow money would compensate us for our loss. I had lost all sense of what was normal as my anxiety grew to levels well beyond what any one person should be able to bear.

I've never really given much thought to why the words  that are below are part of the liturgy but my pastor brought it up this week in his homily since the gospel teaching dealt with Jesus teachings on worrying. Many Catholics, myself included tend to listen to those parts of the Mass that have always been- without ever questioning why.

There is a part in the Catholic Mass after the Lords Prayer and before the Sign of Peace where the Priest does a declaration of praise or a doxology if you will; at each and every Mass he says:

 Deliver us, Lord, from every evil, and grant 

us peace in our day. In your mercy in, keep us free from sin,

 and protect us from all anxiety, as we wait in joyful

 hope for coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

It seems in a previous parish my pastor had a parishioner who was a mental health professional who had an issue with part of the prayer ( protect us from all anxiety ) he felt anxiety was necessary even a healthy part of life. I tend to think worry is healthy to a certain degree, anxiety when it reaches levels so great it can't be managed and interferes with your life is just plain unhealthy.

My level of stress and anxiety was off the charts those first days and stayed that way for a long time, this type of stress makes you alert to everything- does something to your brain. The bumps in the night were real to me then, I heard each and every one of them since I hardly ever slept. Its hard to explain the feeling of being intensely afraid but not really knowing what I was afraid of, it is an awful experience. My sense of safety was gone, I was constantly plagued with this feeling that another shoe would drop, that something awful was going to happen to us again. So I waited and waited some more, rarely able to get the rest I needed to function normally.

Once ordinary occurrences like the sight of State Troopers speeding down the Interstate were enough to make my blood run cold until I checked to make sure my children were OK; the vision of their cars lined up in my driveway the morning of the accident seared in my memory forever. A dashboard light on the car had new meaning to me, the slightest threat that anything would place me stranded on the side of the highway, the place my children perished filled me with paralyzing fear.

My life as it was felt horribly wrong to me for a very long time, there was part of me clinging for all I was worth to the past before the accident; as another part of me was at the same time acknowledging  the need to move on, my turmoil was intense.

I think the point I'm trying to make is that prayer takes time, a quiet mind, focus and dedication,  none of which I was capable- due to my anxiety. I would venture to guess that might be why this is included in the Mass. Anxiety can be a barrier to God and it was for me for a time. So if you ever attend a Catholic Mass and wonder if praying to protect a person from anxiety is worthy of your time, take it from me it is.

- post card- Death of a child- guilt and marriage

It has been said that the death of a child can put a strain on a marriage.

When our son Eric was in high school, a team-mate on his baseball team died in an accident, that boys parents didn't make it. Now I can't say what caused the break up, or how their marriage was before the boy died. What I can tell you is the strain is terrible, parents grieve differently, communicate differently have different needs that the other spouse has to try to understand and respect. Then there are the added pressures too of -caring for siblings, jobs, court, criminal proceedings, financial concerns, our children's death was very public, some parents blame each other; the list is endless.

Today I was thinking about guilt- I am a Catholic after all. It's been said we know all about guilt. But I was thinking about regular guilt not the Catholic kind (that comes from divorce or missing church, turning your back on Catholicism) I was thinking more the kind I felt after the kids died. For the first two years, my husband and I went to therapy together as a couple. I continued in therapy on my own for at least that much time after. But as a couple our marital strengths and attitudes towards each other before the accident vital to how we would weather the storm, my therapist hinted at this in the beginning. The night the kids died I remember laying in bed shaking in shock and I turned him and said, "this is the worst day of our lives, every day after this will be better". My therapist viewed us as solid enough as a couple- that statement as hopeful. Little did we know what hard days we had ahead and that the days getting better part would come with doses of guilt.

When the kids died my husband was just like me- devastated.  I just would have crawled under a rock and died if it wasn't for the fact that he didn't find me and pull me up every single day. He on the other hand would tell you the same thing about me, that I held him up. I know we were fortunate to have each other to lean on that we didn't have to do it alone.

We spent long hours talking, it was not uncommon for us to be up all hours of the night crying together always asking the question why them, why us? Endless mornings sitting in the den over coffee looking out the windows as the seasons changed figuring out how to move on with our lives. Always asking and never getting the answer we needed. How could one tractor-trailer in the middle of the night on an empty Interstate drift off the road and run over our kids at the exact minute they were walking from Eric's broken down Honda to his sisters SUV. What are the chances in this universe that that would happen? And why couldn't it have been us, we would have gladly traded places with them.

When you are in such pain, when you are stripped bare of all that you are you slowly but surly you crawl back out of your despair and then it hits "the guilt". I felt that since my kids death my marriage was better, stronger than it had been before. My kids were dead and I was reaping benefits as a result. I knew my husband felt the positive changes in our marriage too, the guilt however was mine alone. My marriage which was a good and loving one before the accident had transformed into a  much deeper more satisfying one. You learn a lot about making peace enough to end many wars. Since it seems that all I  did while grieving was to have little wars within myself,  I made peace with the guilt. I made a choice to look at the positive changes in my marriage as a gift. Was it a gift from God, from Gretchen and Eric or the gift of a talented therapist- maybe all four? Either way we happily received it and are the better for it.

How about you? Have you had any experiences with guilt? How did your experiences affect you?

Sand in my shoes

Is there a place you want to be when you are bored; when your stressed- when you need to escape; that place when push comes to shove you alway go back to time and time again? Is it your favorite city, the mountains, the town you grew up in, grandma's? 

For me it's the beach. 

I love the beach, its no wonder- when I was a small child my parents and my Aunt Gen and Uncle Howard bought a house at the beach on Long Island's south shore. We spent every summer at that house both families, my cousins Pat, Genevieve, Mickey, my brothers Paul and Gerard and me;  boy did we have fun- we were fortunate children. I'd come home from school on the last day for summer vacation to the trunk of the car open and packed for our summer there. Four adults, six kids, and three very large shepherds-even the dogs got along!

The town had such character, there was Harry's Candy Store, when I was a child you could buy penny candy there. WOW how neat was that. And the bathing suit store up near our corner which was a seasonal store called Weinstein's, was stacked and packed with summer wear as high of the ceiling. You could go in there with very little money and come out with a bathing suit for every day of the week. And Lucky Twins that was a large vegetable/ fruit store where everyone did their shopping. Just about every block had a bar on the corner beach go-ers get thirsty after all. Shines was probably the oldest and most established, there was a lady who cooked there named Helen, she made the most heavenly chicken dinners. Bel-Air Pizza was the best, Vito had a place right on the beach by the board walk, my cousin Mickey was a driver-pizza maker there. There was The Butcher Shop, The Shoe Repair Shop, The Drug Store, The Surf Shop no chain stores or malls in the west end, just small neighborhood stores, some stayed open all year round, some were seasonal businesses.

There were families that came back summer after summer to “the block” Families from other towns on Long Island, upstate NY and NYC. We were small children and we grew up together summer after summer, writing letters over the winter to keep in touch. We played on the beach for hours and hours every day as children, surfed, sunned ourselves until golden brown. On the narrow streets and local boardwalk we rode bikes and made friends with the locals, boy and girl alike. We played tag, football, cards, we jogged, flew kites, we spoke to each other at night by cans attached to strings strung between our houses, had sleepover, scary movie night- we even went to church together.

We’re adults now, with kids of our own. One of our group died young of MS, her loss was tragic-sad. The rest of us- the kids from "the block" for the most part are still friends. We see each other are much as possible, and boy do we laugh; like a bunch of kids. There isn’t a beach that feels quite as good to me as this one; I guess it has to do with the memories- they are sweet.

-post card- FEELING THE PULL

I walked out of my church on the day of my kids funeral in 2006 and didn't go back until last month, couldn't get in the door. Life's journey brought me back to the place I considered my second home. And the wonderful thing about God is He waits patiently by your side when you forget to remember Him. My church family welcomed me back with open arms too; it was good to be back.

God spoke to me many times over those years, it never made it past my neck however so that I never heard what He was saying in my heart. The past few weeks  when I go to church- the announcements or in the church bulletin say they're looking for volunteers;  it seems that they're looking for several of the things I used to do before the accident in 2006. His message to me or just a coincidence- this I do not know-yet!

There have over the course of my absence been many changes there, a new pastor, new parishioners but most prominent- the closing of our Convent after 120 years. Our sisters are some of the kindest, gentlest hearted women I have ever met. The are Daughters of Charity of St Vincent De Paul , many of which are teachers who filled various functions in our parish school and social workers who oversaw the parish outreach. I spent many hours in that parish outreach with the poor and needy of the community listening and I hope helping. Getting so much more then I ever gave from people who had little reason for hope but always seemed to have an abundance of it.

The question now is if I go back to helping with the less fortunate in our community-how will my experience with the death of my children affect my interaction with my clients? Will I be more compassionate, more empathetic?

My fear is-  that their circumstances and distress might overwhelm me and it will be to much.

But I'm feeling the pull.

OVER MY PIE TONIGHT

We went out to dinner tonight, or I should say supper. And I was thinking of those things that are quintessentially Southern at least in my mind, besides pie. I know Nana liked pie, she made them all the time. But last week when we were visiting the cousins in Charlotte, little Max was loving his pie and it started me thinking. So besides the fried chicken, rolls and slaw ( that's coleslaw ya'll)  & sweet tea there are other things that feel unique special to this place, give it it's own flavor if you will.

There are may things that to me- born a Northerner that strike me as truly Southern. For instance the number of churches that are within a short distance of my house. As a Catholic however I am SOL (Sh__ out of luck) I still have to drive 28 miles to Mass.  However I should say I have been invited ( and have been a guest) to many churches which include most every Protestant denomination as well as Baptist Churches alike. The people here are some of the most kind and genuine people I have ever met. Church supper anyone? A great way to get to know your neighbor.

If I grow tomatoes in my garden and the neighbor has sweet potatoes, or corn it will gladly be shared without discussion, just a bag or a box and a quiet thank you, that's how things are done here. Need fruit? I have fruit tree's ask and you shall receive. Want to fish, if you don't have a problem seeing the occasional snake then throw a fishing poll in my pond, no problemo. Just keep your llama's away from my property, they are  four legged wrecking balls that spit...

Don't laugh it happened once!

A few other thing that come to mind about living here :

The mail man never walks (mine's a woman)

Dogs are hunting dogs mostly, rarely house pets and usually never to inside the house .

People always wave or beep when they drive by your house.

You are your own garbage man, this sucks big time.

Strangers never get out of their car in the driveway, they always beep their horns (worried about dogs).

Most everyone says yes or no ma'am and sir