April 1, 2013

A-Z 2013 the letter "A"

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If you’re married  or in a relationship then I’m sure you are familiar with the word I have chosen to kick off my A-Z challenge for 2013.

My "A" word is “argument" I think we can probably all agree without argument that the divorce rates are through the roof in our society. It's not easy being married. I consider arguing a healthy part of a relationship. BUT...Do it badly and it will kill a relationship.

I don’t know about you, but when I meet couples who say they don’t argue I have to wonder whether they’re really all that truthful. 

Every couple argues. After thirty plus years of marriage I can vouch for that fact.

I also believe there is a right and a wrong way to argue. 

This is the wrong way...


General disrespect, name calling, foul language. physical violence, arguing in the presence of the children or  “winning the argument attitude” are not the right way.

The reality of life is that...


Not all couples are on the same page in all matters. There the kids, money, sex, and extended family, friends, work schedules, the kids’ activities and friends; it goes on and on. With the hectic pace of family life and the complexities of our human relationships there is bound to be differences of opinions and arguments.


That’s why it is so important to argue the right way;  temper your arguments with understanding, love and respect.


How you ask?

Mainly it entails listening to your spouse, really listening without interruption. Refute if you must when you give your side of the argument but keep in mind his /her point of view is just as important to him/her if it wasn't you wouldn't be arguing.  Establish the difference or disagreement and remember it is not a contest.  

Winning above all else should not be the goal of any argument, it garners resentment and in the end you will both lose. 

So my dear readers and visitors from A-Z do tell....

Do you do or say or do something especially effective when you argue that you'd like to share that helps you through your arguments?

Or is there something your significant other or ex does/did that just drives you mad when you argue?










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33 comments:

  1. May I take your advice and still be happy if I win?! I wish I read this when we first got married. Thanks Jen!

    Julie

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  2. I'd argue with a fencepost, but hubby will do. For the record, I'm always right, too.

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  3. We argue over silly things and he's always in the wrong. Not picking up his clothes, no top on toothpaste and the worst is putting his plate in the sink instead of dishwasher. After 35 yrs of marriage he still hasn't learned anything it's like living with a teenager, just as well I love him. Great post Jen.

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  4. I have learned over the years to sometimes swallow my words instead of going for a full out fight because I too know I am always right. HA HA

    Came by from Tales of the Reborn Crafter
    http://talesofthereborncrafter.blogspot.com/

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    1. Isn't being right just grand? ha ha!

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  5. Agreed - we disagree with respect. In our almost thirty years of marriage there has never been an incident of name calling, physical violence, and never has "winning" been important. We have had some seriously difficult times but there has always been the intent to work things out, to listen to and respect the other. One thing I know to be true is that it sometimes takes a little time and reflection to work things out. Don't go to bed mad at each other doesn't quite work for me - sometimes it takes a few days/weeks and a ton of patience to get to resolution.

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  6. Couldn't agree more with you here in saying that anyone who says they don't argue is lying. Everyone will have their disagreements at some point. It's how they solve them that make or break things.

    Elliot
    We Are Adventure

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    1. Relationships are an adventure Elliot :)

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  7. **Do you do or say or do something especially effective when you argue that you'd like to share that helps you through your arguments?**

    Yes, I usually say- "Lets Start Again."

    and we do.

    Xxx

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  8. Lovely advice let's hope some of it can be remembered in the heat of an argument. It would certainly help.

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  9. Great post! You hit the nail on the head: listening! That's the only way to navigate out of an argument in my opinion. Until you listen, you don't know why the other is upset. Listen and learn! :) Happy A-to-Z 2013! ~Angela, Whole Foods Living

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    1. Listen and Learn, I love that Angela..

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  10. Good Morning Jen, wow, good post. ON the most part I try not to argue but then there are those times when, I do. Seems like lately, we only argue about our adult children.

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  11. Hi Jen! I followed over from the Challenge. What a great post! I'm so thankful that my husband and I were best friends for 8 years before we dated/got married. That aspect of our relationship has allowed us to argue/discuss issues as friends and not as fighting lovers. That's the best advice I ever came across before I got married: when you argue (because you will), argue as FRIENDS. Don't attack; discuss. It's worked for us for 9 years!

    Enjoy the challenge!
    Jen :)

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  12. I say "Okay" and "Fine" and as my husband says it me "having the last word". ;-)

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  13. I am no longer married, and I don't argue with anyone. I listen, form my opinion....which I trust, and take it from there. My ex husband was an unhappy, war vet, but even before his mother told me always had a beef...being young and in love.....well, ya finally grow and change, I couldn't be happier. Argue is not in my vocabulary! Nice post! www.sandysanderellasmusings.blogspot.com

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    1. Happy is good Sandy, glad to hear you've found that place.

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  14. Great advice and I can say you are spot on with it. I've been married for 28 years. Yep, we argue, but it's not about name calling and belittling. It's done with respect.
    We can't agree on everything 100% of the time. It's all about listening and compromising and making up before the sun sets. Great post!!

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    1. Compromising is such a good point Karen I love that!

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  15. I've had my fair share of arguments and I am not proud of some of the things I've said in the heat of the moment, but with age comes a bit more compassion and the understanding that words can REALLY hurt. So, I've learned to be a compassionate arguer.

    Glad to see you're in the A to Z. I'll be back:)

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    1. I like that Pamela, compassionate arguer! It not only has a nice ring to it but it probably is very effective.

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  16. Hi Jen.
    Yes argument is a part of relationships. We WILL disagree; comes with the territory. But if we all just got out of our own way, stop letting everything be an offense, stop trying to offend, and just let a little more grace and forgiveness wash over our conversation, our egos, and others, it would go a long way to fostering relationships rather than crushing them.

    Just two cents, but I could go on. God bless, Maria, your friend over at Delight Directed Living

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  17. Two cents? More like priceless advice!! I wonder how many relationships would be saved if they'd just follow your advice. See you tomorrow my friend.

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  18. Good luck during the challenge.
    Argument suggestions? More and more often I try to remember not to blame and criticize, but speak in the language of "So and so is what I think or I feel or I perceive." Not, "You always do this or that."

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  19. I so agree with this post! It's wonderful. One thing we have done (21 years) is to not escalate by using curse words.

    Visiting from A-Z. Looking forward to more posts. :)

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    1. You're very kind Stacey. And I couldn't agree more about the whole cursing thing, it's a terrible way to fight.

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  20. My Dear Husband will very rarely argue with me. If he disagrees, he usually holds his tongue. He saves his arguments for the rare occasions when it's really important to him. He is always respectful. I'm afraid that I'm the one to lose my temper and raise my voice.

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  21. We have been married 47 years and I can say we followed most of the rules.
    Katie atBankerchick Scratchings

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  22. I've been married since 1987. When we argue, it gets messy, but then it's over. I don't know if there's truly a right or wrong way to argue, because each couple and each person is going to be different.

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  23. When we 1st got married, I used to think my husband loved to argue. He would treat it like a boxing match & would hit below the belt. He could be wrong as the day is long, but it wouldn't stop him from flapping his gums. One day I came across this saying "You can't argue by yourself." Very true! So, for the last 10 years or so when we argue, I state what I have to say, and then shut-up. It works like a charm! While he's yapping away I'm humming a pleasant tune in my head. After about 2 minutes he shuts up after asking "did you hear what I said?" lol I respond "yes I did.", and continue on my task. 9 times out of 10 know I'm right...so why argue a mute point. :)

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    1. What I'm learning is that every couple has their own unique way of making it work! I think everyone wants to be heard and that's what you both do gum flapping hubby and all :)

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  24. I so agree with you that arguing is just a part of being in a relationship. I think it's healthy to argue...the right way. My husband and I tend to use humor when we argue. We're both stubborn and want to be right, so we'll use little jabs at each other to lighten the mood and still try to make a point. Works for us! :)

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I'm always interested in what you have to say...
Comments are appreciated!